The Pit of Dalinar's Own Self-Ritousness
Recent Egotistical Musings
Live in the Past
THEY like me
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Dalinar's DeadJournal:
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| 2 Feb, 3:08 PM
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News News News First I have to say, I've made a transition to myspace... so check out these two places for more up-to-date entries: MySpace
MySpace BlogTo get all the details, go there... here I'm just going to post a quick run-down... Almost a Jr. at PSU... one more term to go... Working at Mt.Hood Meadows doing sales, CSR, Ski-Instructing, and a few other things. Haven't gotten around to updating and completing My Web Site but I expect I'll have it complete (though will always be changing) by August of '06. I'd try to get it all done sooner, but I'm just too busy with work and school. Besides that, nothing too new... I'm starting the paperwork, and saving up for, a govertment subsidesed home load (up to 280k), might be owning my own place by '08! Should have my BS in CE by summer '08, though it's eraly to tell if that's were I'm still heading... and that's the jest of what's going on in my life lately. (c: | | So ends another day. | | 5 Dec, 5:03 AM
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More and more Well, a bit to be said for what has been going on... school is school... my major gpa is about 3.7. My general studies gpa is a bit worse. Right now I'm absolutely struggling with the last programming assignment... damned calling a user-defined file for referance, and I'm freaking over it. kinda. Had a few new ideas recently: 1. Start a ski $ board trader magazine (why don't they have one already?) 2. Start a group ski-trip org. (though I'd really have to look into the legals) 3. Finish my page... still so much to do... http://web.pdx.edu/~accI need to just get my scanner up and running again so i can actually make the page interesting. Then I can start worrying about content, and getting my Short Stories and Poetry posted there... until then... I'll just keep on working on flushing it out bit by bit. At least it looks alright. (C: I actually managed to express the cause of a great deal of stress in my life. Of course it has to with none other than my ex-fiance' for some reason I just cannot move on. I don't know why, maybe I'm not supposed to, but as much as I've tried, I could never just put her in the past... she's too much a part of me. For good or bad. Now my dillema is simply what to do about it. sigh... the little dramas of High-School never really go away, they simply delude and hide. Next up, skiing and XBOX. I need both... can't wait to hit the slopes, and i can't wait to play some of that revolutionary gaming. Funny thing is, I don't think that anyone out there who doesn't keep up with gaming could really see what a big deal this system really is... but it will become blatant enough in the next couple years... just wait. For anyone who has never been into it... I would at least suggest renting one, and a couple games... (at least one good roll-playing game, one strategy game, and halo) just to see how amazing it actually is... and if you can manage it, get online with it too. (c: Anyway, finals this week, so we'll see how my grades turn out... In the end, I know that I am at a major cross-roads right now.... and theres alot of things that are going to be playing out over the next month that will determine the next year. That coming year is going to bring alot of change for me, and likely be the template for a good portion of the years beyond... I'm so curious to see how it will all turn out. Current Mood:  cheerful | | So ends another day. | | 28 Oct, 2:35 AM
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Here's a new thought I was just struck with this thought, and a big one all at once, that will take me a while to fully explain. Just sort of hit me, and started snowballing into so many different associations of things I've learned in the past few years... snowballing so quickly that I couldn't hope to keep up. In fact, the whole of this writing only really covers about the first moment of thought, and don't even brush the surface of what I want to talk aobut. Indeed, they are naught but a foundation, and right now, a rather poorly laid one. But here it is just the same.
First, I must say, that I am not speaking about contrast, or the mind, though they are the focus of these humble beginnings. I am speaking very reason why all our shared beliefs and perspectives, even the perspectives which are destrutive to others, are all a function of the very way we build the world. The mind looks upon the world through it's contrasts. Black and White, Day and Night, Dark and Light. This has driven the search for truth, by our desire to understand the world. Because the mind uses contrast to even see, and and distinguish between things, it is this sort of contrast which allows us to understand anything else as well. From scientific inqury to fanatic religions, and artistic creation to rigid discipline, even these are understood by seeing contrast. Even the concepts of good and evil fall, unfortunately, victim to being one of these things we must consider when trying to identify more contrast to see the world through.
Logic and reason are both the roots of the world in which we have built for ourselves. And as such can also be considered to be one of the examples of evolved thought. It is through logic and reason that we have developed our scinces, mathmatics and computers we have today. However, we must not forget that all of these things have also come from out ability to be creative, to dream, and to imagine. Even today, every new truely great step in the sciences are marked by an ability to both understand, and dream, greater than your peers. It is this kind of person, who growing greater or more unique than his peers, then joins a new peer groop, and so then grows greater than them. These people eventually break out from limits that anyone before had reached, and aid in expanding the collective of our understaing that much further. It is them that history always remembers, for good or ill, as they do great things or good or evil. For even ourselves and eachother we look for contrast, it is these people which show the greatest difference from oursleves that they stand out, and gain the attention of more and more people.
What is it then that is truely driving us? The way our universe and or world and even oursleves, are built, is all born out of these contrasts which we use to understand it. This is the essense of our very search for truth, and the foundations of religion, science, and art allike. Is it too surprising, that our first understanding of true contrast was that of light and dark, good and evil, that has now become true and flase, right and wrong, of our world today. Do not confuse these, as true and fale are the root of logic and sciene, and likewise right and wrong are reflections of this more evolved mode of thought. To seek to understand the world, and our own curiosity, can only be driven by ourselves. And it is this curiosity which drives us to find contrast, in order to better understand the world. There is a cyclical argument in that to believe you know somthing, is to believe you have found truth; in believeing you have found truth, you have therefore found lie: to have found both, is to have the contrast in the world, and thus you believe you understand it. But in this position, you will not have a need or a desire to seek the contrast more, as you already know that there is no greater contrast. To try to say, "oh yes, of course, I found the truth in THIS, but I KNOW there maybe other truths," never means more than you will look for lesser truths, but you believe you've already found the only one you'll need. (Anyone who understans this, will see the bitter insult here, and the sad comical truth in it) Well here because you no longer are looking, you will no longer grow in understanding, and will stagnate in a pool of believe you're are right, and that those who dissagree are simply lesser, or even those that do not fit my truth are lesser. This is the source of evil and hatred, this is the source of ignorance, egotism, vanity, self-ritiousness, can the cause of pain and suffering. For who would judge another for their choices, than someone tho 'knows' they are right? To simply admit, "I do not know," is to commit yourself to the serach for truth, and the seeking of those things of contrast. This one step is a frightful one to face, because it requires admidting you could be wrong, that you are as lost as everyone else, and that the very world you believe in may not even be what you think it to be. The unknown is frightening to many, which is also the source of the fear of the dark, and superstitions being associated with bizzare occorences. It is this which is also the pain of seeking knowlege, as to do so, you must live in a world of the unknown. There you must routinely combat the root of all fear, the fear of the unknown and the fear of death.
This association of death and night and shadow and the unknown have of course driven every religion on earth. For the only way to live without that fear, is to defeat it in the discovery and understanding of truth. For then death is now known, you no longer need seek truth as you have found the ultimate contrast, and you can live easier and happier. Religion has always had to root itself in faith and proclimation of pure truth, for with this a person no longer needs fear, and will no longer seek. Through this a person can truly believe they understand the world, and that they are right and just and fair in what they do. So religion has played on the contrasts, we have truth and others lies; we have the path to a perfect death and so no longer a need to fear it, and those who don't follow our truth are doomed to the worst of fates after death. With this came a greater fear of anything unknown, as thus associated anything which contradicted them with evil. After all, death being the greatest thing to fear for most, knowing what death is takes away fear... but I'm talking in circles. This brings me to one point I wish to share, that the greatest evil is one which allows you to think yourself better than your fellows, and as I earlier stated nothing does this more effectivly than believing you have fount a truth.
Now to seek knowledge is also to seek the unknown, to drive ourselves away from the black and white of truth, but to begin to see the gray areas between, and admit a loss of sight of either of the extreem shades. Interesting to note, that artists and the creative, tend to look for color and contrast, and to speak in shades and overtones. For now I will break, and continue this on the morrow... I think it should not make much sence yet, and if it seems to... may seem strange, and mayble a little twisted to some... I know, but give me the benefit of the doubt for now, and know that I am getting to a point, and I will go back over this and re-write it soon. Further, I doubt I could accurately explain myself in fewer that 30 pages, and moreover can't make it clear without expanding my methods of communication.
New Poem(just started it, needs work): Make a song of seven voices, To speak to seven souls. Coming down to choices, That few will even know. One will sing with fantasy, Filled with hidden guile. Speaking to the dreamer, Things they've known all the while. One will state with logic, And bite the hand of truth. Challenging the thinker, To admit himself uncouth. One will flow like water, And whisper a taunt. To touch the romantic, Into finding what they want. One will call excitement, Filled with fun and jokes. Luering the child, With just a subtle coax. not finished yet.
And so you've now read about 1 hour worth of my personal pontification, and hopefully not confused, or angry. As i said, the writing of the thought could never have kept up with the thought itself, so this is all a bit jammed together, and sloppy. I will fix it. Keep in mind that simply because of the thing that I'm trying to talk about, I expect everyone to misunderstand a great deal of it. Likely, I'll have to define what I meant by many of the words I used, in order to clarify the message. For now though, it's all a bit fogy, and so can be easily interpreted to perhaps some very strange concluions. Current Mood: cheerfulCurrent Music: The music of my soul | | So ends another day. | | 25 Oct, 2:47 PM
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A littel bit of musing School teaches you the ability to think. Knowlege gives you the ability to choose, and success with both ,will give you the ablitly so be succesful in life. To put it more bluntly, think about this. If a man stood before you and said, "choose one of three envelopes, one has $1000 dollar check." Then another came to you and said "choose the first!" and yet another, "Don't choose the third!" A person with the ability to think, and knowlege of the people who spoke, might know the first voice was of the man's friend, and the second his enemy, and then be able to choose wisely. But without this knowledge and the ablility to think things through, you'd be left still guessing. It's those people who are always easily manipulated in life, for seeing the dillema, the friend of that man might then say, "choose the first! then I'll chose the third! and I'll split it with you if we win." And a gullible person would go for it and loose, but a smart one with the knowledge of these people would ask the man's enemy, "Which should I chose?" and likely find the money. I know this is just a simple example, but it is a common thing that happens every day. To be aware of what things you can choose from and what will come of them, you must have knowledge. But, to be able to choose you must have learned how to think. Car salesmen and polititians are the most well known for manipulating people for their ignorance, but it happens daily, and the less you know, and the less excercised your mind, the less you will be able to have things your way, the less often you can find happiness, and more often people use you and take advantage. This is a truth of life that people never even think about or consider... that they themselves may be looked upon as they look upon the those much dumber and ignorant. Few people can ever consider that they might actually have to put out effort to be special. And this is truth, that the people that can and do put effort and work into developing their minds, will always be leading the people who flounder about thinking themselves above it, and able to do as they please. I'm still struggling with basic truth, because I've not yet learned how to strive for somthing, how to actually strain against the frustration and aggrivation to reach what I want. Futher I still have trouble deciding what I want. But in the end please take none of this to heart, as that would make anyone a bit more cynical and jaded, and an intelligent person doesn't look down upon those who are blatently ignorant, only pities them, helps them or uses them, depending on his nature. (Though even they don't really realise these things more than subconsiously, beacause to be aware of it, a person must first admit to themselves that they too are lost and ignorant in ways, and this is a hard thing to do) Current Mood:  melancholyCurrent Music: An odd tune in the back of my mind | | So ends another day. | | 4 Oct, 1:30 PM
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One, Two, Skip a Month... 99, 100! Okay, So I've finally come to terms with the fact that I'll likely never maintain this journal like I should... but at least I do write once in a while. Well, I'm broke as hell. Searching for a job... and I'll probably start selling some of my old stuff on Ebay. Still in school... though taking classes that just seem to be a complete breeze. Programming, Pre-Cal 2, More Guitar, and one hell of a cool class: Knowlege, Rationality, and Understanding. Talk about fitting me like a glove, there's a subject I've been obsessing over, and getting wrong, for years. The first day the teach started talking about how science is always taken as fact, even though it is only bassed upon assumptions, and tendancies... and that there never will be "truth" beyond individual truths. Got into a gaming group, one guy got a new game called "Blood Fued." Sort of a RISK style game in NY city, where you play as a Don of NY, trying to take it over. You can buy off the cops, build Brothels and Casinos, Hire Thugs and Hitmen, send them over to a rival Don, and take his CAPOs hostage, or if you have good timing, and plan well, take out the Don and gain much of his influence and territory... Anyway it's pretty damned cool... We played 2 games... I won both times. *Puffs up his feathers and begins pruning them* Yep Yep, I won. *Superhero pose* Anyway, time to get to my next class (Math). By the way, I know I haven't been writing much of poetry or my usual Philisophical rants... but I'm working on a good big one. (c: Current Mood:  apatheticCurrent Music: 20 people typing and clicking in a computer Lab | | So ends another day. | | 11 Jul, 10:27 PM
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Exaserbation
Life now begins. Entering into myself and my future at least, is now for me. Here at a point in my life when the choices i now make will determing the course of everything else. Up to now I have still be growing, learning, observing the world around me... and still am... though now it is time for me to cement my path. So many choices, and opportunities, so many paths and door to choose from. I believe I have never been fully concious of my own free will until just a while ago, and so never really free to choose. Now, looking out across an infinate network of hallways and doors to be opened, I know that once I choose a path to walk, I cannot go back and choose another hallway. I may choose from the doors on the path I walk, but may never go back. Yet still it does me no good knowing this, whithout actually CHOOSING a path, and knocking on doors.
It was suggested that I determine what I am good at, and what I most love, and find somthing that incorperates both... though this does not really work for me, as I love nearly everything, and posess instinctual skill in more than I love. Yes, it sounds concieted and maniacle, and is likely only my twisted perspective of myself that keeps me from knowing what it is I truely love, and am truely skilled at. I have had so many people tell me so often, "You are really good at ____, you should do it for a living!" about so many different things I've lost track. I have learned how do enjoy and love doing ANYTHING. So WHERE do I GO from HERE!? DAMNIT, I just don't know.
Love and life is always an... interesting subject for me... often I think I've lost the will to love, and am blindly groping for how to truely live... yet I still see so many people's lives so frought with pointlessness, it seems so many are more blind than I, and think themselves the only ones who can see. I really only desire one thing right now, though I will not stoop to searching for it... if it wants me it will find me. I'm looking for that feeling. The feeling of knowing you are with who you are supposed to be with. I could blather off the traits I think I would like to find in a woman, but what good would that do, none of us REALY know anyway. Though there are a couple things that I know must be there. Intelligence, Individuality, Confidence, Openness, and Will.
There's really only been three people I've ever been with that fit all of those, and it did help that all three were gorgous as well... but that's the blessing of beeing more genetically advanced. (c:
I've recently discovered that the trick (though its not REALLY a trick) to prolonging the passion and excitement of the early stages of a relationship, is to be able to do three things. Keep eachother comfortable and without fear, never count points or forget eachother's value, and keep eachother guessing. One should never do somthing purely for the sake of the other, though from time to time that's fine. You both must be trying to enjoy every moment you have, whatever it is you would like to do... you should always keep the moments you share as special, and never let them get mundane. Habit drives us all, and what could be worse than getting into the habit of a boring and mundane life shared with someone you truly love?
Now if I can only get with somone who can fit into all of that I'll be great... I think (c:
Current Mood: pensively perturbed
Current Music: Vanilla Sky | | So ends another day. | | 12 May, 2:11 PM
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Disturbing Dreams The soft lulling murmur
Holds the clamor of the crowd.
Silence Held in ferver
Of strangers passing in a cloud.
Eyes met in a moment,
Forced away with lost intent.
Awkward brushing gone unvoiced,
Amidst a trade of scent.
Push
The rush of silent sorrow
Fading further.
Lost in a memory of time.
Voices pass making
Amiable sounds,
Saying nothing, though I wonder
Whether soulds behind the voices
Feel the solitude as well,
Crying out small-talk
For another soul to share
Anything, everything,
Just Enough
To keep you
Hoping
For Somthing.
Push.
Push-Away the veil of
Silence and Anonimity.
Shout, Scream, Laugh away
The air of souls divided.Recently had an unsual dream... can't get too into detail as that would turn into a good 20 page short story, but here's the gest. Partying with friends in the woods on the edge of a lake, everyone there is either a couple or ends up hooking up with someone, so I end up spending my evenings alone walking in the night. The morning of the last day a person comes and starts talking to me about what a great vacation it was. Then makes two commments (which I can't remember). The first in a tone of a friendly appreciation, the second meant with friendly jest, though the person was unaware of how perfectly they had touched on my issues. The first regarded how well I could connect and communicate with people, the second along the lines of, "all the girls must be after you." In truth I've almost always had an abundance of friends, and an abundance of female friends who thought I was "a catch" but were never interested in me themselves. Nowadays I even have trouble elliciting a smile out of a member of the opposite sex, and most usually avoid eye-contact. None of this would be much of an issue for me if not for one thing: I'm not assertive when it comes to women until I've identified interest hidden in subtlety. Which has one obvious source: I am still afraid to risk. Becasue of this, I feel it is likely that I will enver again find myself in a mutually loving relationship. In case this is getting almost sickening for anyone reading this, read the title of my journal. Current Mood:  lonelyCurrent Music: Hotel California | | So ends another day. | | 5 May, 8:39 PM
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A little off, a little on Prolonging life means little without having purpose in life. It is in our nature to try to learn new things, always looking around for somthing new or special or different. As life continues, things which once were vibrant and amazing lose value as we grow accustomed to them. Consider childhood, when five minutes of a punishment could drag on for days, and a weekend spent with friends could pass in what felt like five minutes. Most of childhood is spent taking in all of those new and amazing things. As we grow older, there is less and less which captures our interest with such passion, for there are less and less material discoveries. Even pain, or being lost for the first time, pure terror and confusion and uncertainty, the shock is less the next time, until solitude becomes even welcoming to some. Time itself seems to pass according to how much we are getting out of any given moment. After all, when experiencing times of happiness you have no desire to question your reality, and learn little. Yet, when things are difficult, you have no choice but to learn new perspecives and choices. I remember as a child paying attention to the smell and texture of sun-baked grass, as I grew older there was nothing new about it to me, so I lost interest. Such it is with a great deal of things in life. We learn to accept everything around us as natural and normal, and forget to apreciate the subtle beauty of little moments. These little moments which we have forgotten are not just moments lost. Life itself is nothing but a single moment stretched out through time, and within every instant there is more beauty and awe... if you can find it. If you cannot see the beauty in the material around you, find it in people, interation, nature, art, expression, every aspect of anything. Even a pair of rusty needle-nose pliers can be beautiful, if you consider every aspect. A tool which has taken us thousands of years to concieve and produce, a small marvel of intellect and ingenuity, and even the specific tool must have it's own past, it's own future. Which brings me to another point, "Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all," Anyone who has loved and lost will tell you to the contrary. For as a child experiencing a roller-coaser for the first time, the first love is filled with hope and absolute faith in that love, and so is also filled with perfect joy and happiness. Until you feel the first loss you never saw comming, and didn't believe was possible. For like the child lost for the first time, so does the faith and joy in love fade with time and experience. But this should not be true. It is that faith in love which meerly allows one to forget all but the moment of now. In that moment you can pour all of your focus into every sense availiable, which is why it can feel like a lifetime lying with a lover. This is the truth we have forgotten how to live. Listen to your senses, smell the air, feel the wind, use every sense and pick little things to focus on. A small water-stain on a window, siblings talking in the distance, just relearn to see the minute little details which make our existance as diverse and vibrant as it is. Current Mood:  soreCurrent Music: The Willing - Emanuel | | So ends another day. | | 27 Apr, 4:21 PM
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This term Fencing*~\/~* Actually very cool, seems to be more of a science of moving as quickly and efficiently as possible. Beginning Guitar*~\/~* Also cool, though much of what I'm learning there I've already been practicing on my own. Sex, Mind, and the Mask: Magic and Myth*~\/~* I've had some fun in the class, most everyone is pretty cool there. I've been in the same class fall and winter as well, so everyone knows eachother pretty well, though I still feel like an outsider... I'm only just acquainted with everyone and don't seem to fit in anywhere. Digital Circuits*~\/~* Part 2 of the Digital Circuits class... I thought it would be more difficult, though it has proven to be MUCH easier than the 100 level class that preceded it. I'm still noticing this uncomfortable pattern, though now that I'm paying attention, it's comming out more. No one says anything to me unless I talk to them first... am I intimidating, or a loser? Would somone please just answer that question so I can stop worrying about it? (Though I couldn't really see intimidating, I'm 5'7" 135 lbs) Current Mood: okayCurrent Music: Tap tap clicking, hushed voices, swinging doors | | So ends another day. | | 26 Apr, 10:50 PM
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Great Stuff to Watch Dead Like Me*~\/~* This series was my favorite since I saw the first episode, and only got better from there. You want a hook, the main char (George) gets hit by a flaming toilet seat from a russian space station, only to become a grim-reaper. (Sort of an Office Space meets Heart and Souls) Carnivale*~\/~* This one follows a close second after Dead Like Me. This one is alot more artfully done, and has ALOT more hidden metaphores and sybolism. You have to watch it to get it. THX*~\/~* Okay, an older indi film, but you've gotta see it if you've ever read Orwell's 1984. Jim Henson's The Storyteller*~\/~* Brilliant Brilliant Brilliant. First has 9 episodes which cover various european myths and tales. The second hits Greek mythology. Current Mood:  contemplativeCurrent Music: Linkin Park - Meteora | | So ends another day. | | 9 Apr, 1:12 AM
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Discombobulated Okay, the little things which still bother me... i.e: things I still don't understand about my own mind. 1. Every time I meet eyes with a girl, she always looks away and ignores me. Am I ugly, or attractive? 2. I know I can do perfect work, and I know that my procrastination is keeping me from it... but why do I still procrastinate? 3. I can't stand closed minds and intolerance, but why am I still so close-minded and intolerant of people who I think are, "close-minded and intolerant?" 4. If race really DOESN'T matter... then why is it that I'm white and can't dance? 5. If all I really care about is the people around me, then why do i spend so much time thinking, and talking, about myself? ... now, if you haven't already guessed it, this is an honest comedy routine, about myself. I'm not really sure what it all means... I still confuse myself... but then again, maybe this is the punchline that I don't understand? Current Mood:  amusedCurrent Music: Bob Marley | | So ends another day. | | 5 Apr, 11:17 PM
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Time
A single frozen moment
Which fades from day to day.
Knowing that tomorow,
Will bring what you want today.
The moment is forever,
And tomorow never comes.
For the silence of the future,
The hopeful dream of sun.
Moments pased are myth and legend,
Regrets and painful tears.
Thoughts of roads not taken,
Form hopes and dreams and fears.
Longing wants and wishes,
Born of moments past.
Become the surise of tomorow,
Hoping now won't last.
If you've not actually done a poetry analysis before, don't try on this one, or you'll probably miss the point. But as a hint, or in case you didn't listen, I was feeling rather optimistic when I wrote it. (c:
Anyway...
I had a blast durring spring break, even though it ended a week before I thought it did... (meaning i missed the first week of class). Plus I was stuck in Bellingham because my car was having trouble... I thought it was either my plugs or plug-cables.. changed the plugs.. didn't work, so I took it in... and guess what.. it was the cables. (damn it, I should have just done it myself).
It began with a 4 hour drive up to North Bend, where I met up with Milo and Megan... and proceeded to party for the next week. Hanging out with with everyone from a reather large circle of friends. (Most of them muscicians) Plaing with making and mixing music... and partying some more.
Hung out with some more friends... saw a movie or two, raced some 6.5hp go-karts, played some laser-tag... went to Bellingham... partied some more. Met a Scottish Pirate Lord, waiting for his ship to finish construction, partied with him a few times. Saw another movie.. . met up with Fargo, partied some more, worked on movie plots/scripts/ideas/music... etc, etc. Saw a few more movies... got my car fixed... and came home.
Obviously there is quite alot left out... but I had a few short adventures. (c:
NEway... back to the grind... but this time, I think I am going to spend as much time as I can with family and friends. I know I always say that... but I'm getting better damnit. (c: All change takes time.
Laters,
Tony
Current Mood: Drearystresslibidohappycalm
Current Music: Hating Hillary | 5 Apr, 12:05 PM
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Changes Made Simple Well, not much time to write right now, but things are going better. I've managed to figure out a few things... and though the road is going to be a bit bumpy, I think I know where I'm going now. My only real issue right now is that I still don't really know anyone in the area. Plenty of acquainences, and lower order friendships... but not much of substance. I suppose it is mostly my fault, I never really learned how to turn a stranger into a friend without having another reason. Then again, maybe that's the point. Anyway, I'll write more later. (c: Current Mood: contemplativeCurrent Music: hushed clamor of typing, clicking, and voices | | So ends another day. | | 27 Feb, 3:28 PM
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Melancholy Madness
Despite the fact that everything is going fairly well... I've earned the nickname, "Mr. Sponge" in several of my classes... and I'm making arount $450 a month working 10 hours a week... plus the 1k a month from the GI bill... everything is going great...
but still I seem to feel like I am living outside myself, an observer only in touch with this world thanks to a few puppet strings attatched to a fleshy water-sack.
I know why I feel so detatched. It is because I AM detatched. In the end, the place a person lives should somewhat reflect them, and be a place of comfort. But here, I cannot make this place reflect me, for it is not my own. And I cannot feel comfortable here, because one person sharing this space is schitzophrenic, and the other is a control freak. That's only the tip of the iceberg, but still, how can I connect, when the people around are uncomfortable when people are themselves.
Oh well... I'm working on a new concept... combing the Golden Ratio, The Spiral, with bits of Theosophical concepts, Themystic Ideas, and a few other imagining of society. I don't know how useful the theological and philisophical results will be, but I'm more focused on the imagery, and physical representation of the concepts, than the concepts themselves.
That being said, it's time to degenerate to writing an essay about magic for my General Studies class. | | So ends another day. | | 29 Nov, 1:16 PM
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Holidays Interesting that I see people get more and more on edge as the holidays near. It shouldn't be like that, but then again, I suppose its just a part of modern society. I'm sickened by the constant commercialism of christmas. "Show them you care by BUYING this gift!" Don't write a check, buy a gift card!... Constant commercials trying to convey that they understand the 'true' meaning of christmas, so you should buy THEIR product. One of the worst was one advertising for a christmas store, where they had a plush Santa, (I think for 39.95) that would spew quotes like, "Remember that the spririt of christmas, lies in your heart." What a disturbing hypocrisy. Anyway, I have several people I WANT to get gifts for.. but the GI bill isn't all I thought it would be... and it's turning out to be a ROYAL pain in the A$$ to get my kicker. That would give me around an extra $200-300 a month.. but the damned VA will only give it to you if you can prove you payed for it. That in itself is nearly impossible... the closest thing to a reciept I got was a Leave-and-Earnings statement that I got from 4 years ago... like I'm going to come up with that! NE way... finals the next two weeks... YAY! At least it means I'll be able to get a feel for what I need to do to get myself over 3.5 - 3.8. I am fed up with the math class... nothing but idiocy. It's all new concepts.. I just really don't like the way its being taught and graded. And my Digital Circuits class... don't get me started... the damned grading system for homework is basically such that you get points for things the questions don't ask for, and you just have to HOPE you provided the right auxillary information ro the solution, or NO POINTS for that problem. Wouldn't be an issue really, but the grading TA doesn't know his ass from his elbow when it comes to this class. I actually went to clarify some things about one of the homework assigments... I had to spend 20 minutes explaining the concepts to him, before he even understood what I was talking about... and then he just said to go to the professor. I am really starting to hate university polotics... and it's only my first term. As educated people, I had assumed they might be intelligent about things... Unfortunately I've proved the old adage about "assuming" again, at least I've proved it to myself. Okay, this is turning out to be another of my longest posts ever... I wonder if this is going to turn out to be a trend? Longer and Longer posts.. probably not. (c: Current Mood:  drainedCurrent Music: the unnerving grating silence of a library | | So ends another day. | | 17 Nov, 11:27 PM
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More news Well, I have managed to get an idea of my grades in my classes...
MATH..............78
Fresh Inq.........92
Digital Circuits..84
Engineering.......72
TOTAL AVE.........82
So I'm getting about a 3.0 gpa. Not to bad for my first term at 17 credit hours... and it should end higher, as I'm starting to get rolling in the feel of school.
I'm kinda pissed that I'm doing so bad in MATH... but it's my own fault. The engineering (obviously) is the one I'm kinda struggling with. But that's only becasue half of it I ahve ahd to work with math concepts that are well beyond what I've ever learned. And now we're getting into Statics and Force Vector stuff. I'M ONLY IN PRE-CAL! Oh well, I'll figure it out.
 I am The Lovers
The Lovers often refers to a relationship that is based on deep love - the strongest force of all. The relationship may not be sexual, although it often is or could be. More generally, the Lovers can represent the attractive force that draws any two entities together in a relationship - whether people, ideas, events, movements or groups. For a full description of your card and other goodies, please visit LearnTarot.com
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Well, until next time. (c: Current Mood: blankCurrent Music: Linkin Park - Somwhere I Belong | | So ends another day. | | 14 Nov, 2:50 AM
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Wandering Bemusement Where to begin? First I suppose I should mention that I am worse at keeping up with my friends than I am at keeping up with this journal... which says alot considering how rarely I actually post here. It seems I always have an excuse (for both), yet in truth I think I just live in the present too much. postland State University is going well, taking 17 credit-hours. Freshman Inquiry (General Studies class), Digital Circuits, Math 111 (Pre-Calculus, I probably should have gone straight to cal.), and Engeneering. I think I have the most fun in Digital Circuits, it allows to be as challenging as you want it to be, and it all seems to be getting easier the further we get in class, (though I think most of my peers would disagree). Many of my classmates, in all my classes, have started comming to me with their questions. It's pretty cool, I like helping people out, and enjoy teaching people... but somtimes I get frustrated when people just seem to choose not to think. Here especially, I've noticed that many people prefer to have the aswers given to them, so they can learn and memorize and move on. But I think I have always been, often overly so, obsessive about the hows and whys. When a new concept is introduced in class, I instantly go to work deconstructing the logic and in essence teach myself the subject while contemplating it. Once I understand how it all goes together, then the concepts just seem to fall into skills rather than knowlege. After all, with binary, 1 plus 1 is 10, and until you understand the basic structure of a nubmer system, you cant really understand why binary is the way it is... and the digital logic is just a function of it all... oh well.. anyway I'm ranting. My Inquiry class is a breeze, we've only had 3 assignments... and spend most of our class time philosophizing and analysing, so I fit in wonderfully. Math ... hrm... I took it because I was worried that I wouldn't be able to understand enough to dive right into calculus... sigh... this class is going so slow... and it's almost like highschool all over again, with the way the teacher assigns monotonous homework. Damnit, that's why I came to a university, I don't want my hand held through learning. If I need to F**king practice I will. Grrr. What pisses me off is that it is like that because a few students in the class asked for it, because, "Well, I won't do it on my own." What the hell are you doing in a University then? Go to a community college if you want your hand held. The only class I am having some struggle with is Engineering class... and the main reason for that is simply because the class is is using concepts and matmatics that are supposed to be covered in the 2nd and third terms of Calculus. What a pain. It basically means that while I'm doing my homework for that class I have to go and teach myself some of the Calculus we're using... which is a bit of a pain, but I suppose it's good for me. As for me, I feel I am becomming lost. I never noticed it happening, but all my passion, is gone. I'm mostly devoid of emotion, with the few exceptions of irritation, frustration, amusment, apathy, resignment, and a couple other milder ones... yet even these come rarely, I and I think it's out of habit more than anything.
The odd thing is that I want to start writing or drawing, getting back into the arts... but it was always driven by that passion. Perhaps if I can just find the right story, the right message, to convey... the writing of it might just pull me out of this emotional lull.
What made me really notice this situation more than anything, is a recent event. An involvement, which ended about 2 months ago. Well, not 2 weeks ago, she asked for a time she could come over, "we need to talk." I already knew without her saying, she was pregnant. She kept asking me, "how do you feel, what are you thining." i wanted to say 'nothing,' but lied instead. She had an abortion, and I acompanied her to the clinic. The people there kept asking, "are you okay? How are you feeling?" When "apathetic and meloncholy" is the only answer you ever really feel, I still couldn't convey such a thing there. So here I am...
And I suppose that is why I am posting this now... I jsut don't really know how to face this... and oddly, i truly understand the soul and drives of a true vampire... It is the absence of passion, which drives one to seek it in any form. (in the case of literary vampires, of course passion takes the form of blood... which is associatively and metaphorically a perfect symolism.)
This is not to be mistaken for depression, I am not sad, or lonely... i just feel nothing. Conidering it more, I may not even be right about the issue... most of my life, I have defined life as passion. After all, what is life without it? Yet now, perhaps I was just bi-polar and didn't know it, and now the definition of my life is gone, leaving me blindly treading water. Perhaps, i'm just still trying to recover from... erm... lost love. But I can't help but think that perhaps, as i once feared would happen, I am no longer capable of finding such again. How fatalistic of me.
Current Mood: apatheticCurrent Music: wind | | So ends another day. | | 27 Sep, 3:29 AM
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Forward Motion
I've recently been admited to PSU. I'll be starting classes in the end of the month.
I know this post is more than a little cryptic, but I haven't really been in the mood for any self-pity lately, though here's one little pathetic whine of mine: I still feel lost in this world that seems nothing more than a reflection of a dream. Is there truely any meaning or reason to exist at all, while knowing that in the schem of things, one person really dosn't matter? I suppose I'm still just stuck on the Shakespearian monolouge in Macbeth 'to be... or not to be? After all, '...who WOULD fardels bear to grunt and sweat under a weary life, but that dread of somthing after death... puzzels the will...' I do not have that dread, and still trudge on beneath that pack of torment strife and sorrow, joy hope and love... simply in the hope that one day I might understand the answer.
Often, I feel as though life were meerly a game. A rather sadistic one of cynical fate, false hope, and dopelgangers of emotions. If you consider that a things porpose, is that which it creates or alters, or that it's porpose is the final touch it makes, then any positive emotion such as love and hope, could have only one porpose: to show one what pain, despair and sorrow truly are.
At times I think perhaps, that the balace that exists in life between happiness and sadness, is kept purely by that funtion. After all, nothing seems quite so bad when compared against the helplessness and agony of love. | | So ends another day. | | 9 Aug, 3:50 PM
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New Philosophy Happiness and contentedness are not the absence of struggle and conflict, but finding peace in the knowledge that all struggle contibutes to the value of life.
Frustration is a moment in which one forgets that error and failure are means to growth, and learning.
Sadness is self pity. True sorrow is the silent pity of others. Both require that you blind yourself to the beauty of life.
Pure communication is dependent on pure truth and fact, yet truth and fact are never static... they are forever changing, and distored through our own filters of perception and perspective. Fortunately most of our perspectives and pre-concieved notions are learned, and thus common, so we all at least have some common ground. Finding that common ground is the key. Current Mood:  curiousCurrent Music: old 50's tv show. | 9 Aug, 3:11 PM
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Russian Recently someone wrote me in russian, and I would really like to know who it was... so here we go...
Я не знаю кто писало мне по руский язик – но если ты могещ понимать ето – Я буду быть очин смущенний. Так – почиму нет ты сказил как ево завот.
Я забыл все у меня познания вокруг русский язык. Current Mood: curiousCurrent Music: Old 50's TV show | | So ends another day. |
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